cooking

I don't watch cooking programmes in fact I hardly watch TV at all, but Masterchef looks top-notch with lots of tips towards my first Michelin star.

Plumstead Common in the snow

We were told about the arrival of the snow and it arrived in great style. Here, I had captured a couple photos during a short blizzard burst and really like the slightly Lowryesque quality. The children from the local school were surely having a gay time.

matchstick men

enjoying the snow

Roadworks

The temporary traffic lights on Plumstead Common Road have been causing mayhem. Over the past few days, they have already failed a couple times and been stuck on red. Red means stop, but red on all lights means gridlock and gridlock means irate drivers honking their horns. At 5AM, this means residents get woken up. Here is a photo taken from my bedroom window.

In this age of technological wonder, is it so difficult to produce a pair of traffic lights that work properly? Even I could make up a simple switch so that when one light turns green, the other one turns red. Link it up to a timer and bingo. Set the problem as an ICT project and we're good to go (just like the traffic).

Speaking of gridlock, how long does it take to build a roundabout? Not something the size of the large hadron collider at Cern, but more like a junction between Upper Wickham Lane and Okehampton Crescent in Wellingshire. Children have been conceived and born into this World in the time it has taken to roll out out this circle of tarmac. I just hope the contractors aren't working on a daily rate. Here's a gorgeous photo I have purloined from the incredible Google Streetmap.

Comedy On The Common

Look, now. No, listen missus. 'ere, titter ye not, Comedy On The Common is back in The Shire.

At the moment, there are live comedy events on 6th November and 11th December. These seem like perfect pre-Christmas nights out to warm your cockles. Both dates fall on a Saturday, so treat yourself to an extra glass of sherry at the bar afterwards.

Pirates

It's not every day you can say you saw Johnny Depp, but "I saw Johnny Depp today".

We were on our weekly trip to Greenwich. Over the past couple of weeks, we've seen construction of a film location at the Old Naval College, nothing extraordinary about that, but this encampment is pretty big. There is an enormous marquee just for the costume department and the biggest blue bed sheets I've ever seen; these bed sheets are stretched in the back of shots and will inevitably be painted out in favour of CGI cityscapes. This is all for the new Pirates Of The Caribbean film.
Mr Depp was on set and I was surprised how close I got. Having said that, the Naval College is a pretty busy place and students need to get to their lectures - film crew or no film crew.

Animals

I have a huge backlog of musings and observations of curio's and the queer, but no time to write any of it down. Putting virtual pen to virtual paper at the moment is a real treat, however I must get back to work pretty sharpish.

These subjects must be put on hold:-

• A quest for the ultimate custard tart. It's a sort of suburban version of the Quest for the Holy Grail but without knights, magic, swords, chivalry or a chalice.
• Woolwich Photographic Society and their impact on the Magnum Group
• My concept for a Plumsteadshire Modern Art Museum. You'll like the next bit - 'Tate Common'. I have an amazing concept design which will be revealed in due course.
• My concept for a Plumsteadshire Film Club. You'll like the next bit - 'Splice Island'.
• The best days out for children. All tried and tested by my team of experts.

Having spoken to some lovely listeners, it seems they really want to know more about my so-called neighbours known as The Shameless, the great unwashed, dole scum, soap dodgers, spongers, work-shy etcetera depending on how far they¹ are testing my patience.

This week, I've had to go and ask them to turn down their horrible boom boom music twice. Over the two years they've infested this area, I've probably knocked on their door over thirty times. I've been very close to putting an official complaint to the housing association, but I don't think it fair for them to be uprooted and moved into a faceless council estate where their children might just plummet into a chasm of no hope. Having said that, living here, they just stick out like a maggot ridden bubonic sore thumb. I know it's not exactly Hampstead Garden Suburb here, but they really are a Victorian freak show.

Actually, I have a question. Is there some modern day tribal code that dictates males of the chav genus must only wear underpants when at home²? Similarly, all windows must be kept wide open at all times? When I popped round yesterday, one mutant answered the door in his pants. Maybe it was quite warm? But I remembered whenever I popped round in deepest sub zero last Winter, they were 'dressed' as if they were holidaying in the Seychelles.

footnotes

1 - they, meaning the so-called neighbours, not my lovely listeners

2 - this is a genuine question that I need feedback on

Don't panic!!

If you're in the Woolwich area this afternoon at 4:43pm and hear an air raid siren, don't panic. The Firepower Museum will be sounding a siren to commemorate the start of The Blitz, 60 years ago. On the other hand, if you're reading this blog on a different day then walk calmly to your nearest Anderson Shelter and pray.

If you're young and have no concept of fear, of losing your house, your loved ones and your entire life, then just think for one minute how incredibly lucky you actually are.

This really is quite haunting.

Seaside

Driving to Ramsgate, I happened across a sign, 'THANET EARTH'. I just exploded with laughter and envy at the same time. It's a brilliant name and if I were a blogger in Dumpton Gap, I would've been over the moon to have Thanet Earth as my blog name.

I have since searched 'Thanet Earth' on the internet and it seems to be the largest greenhouse ever built since the invention of photosynthesis itself. Wow.

Having arrived at Ramsgate, I managed to park within metre's of Pugin's house; I wanted to pop in but he was out - maybe doing the weekly shop in ASDA¹. Taking an architecture tour wasn't on the agenda so will have to make another visit. I had actually driven to Ramsgate as it was the Summer Squall Arts Festival. I had great plans to take Toddler & Baby Pangloss to a couple of theatre shows, however the weather was quite wonderful, so I decided that we should just muck around on the beach. This was a great idea.

I was very impressed by Ramsgate. It felt small enough so as not feel overwhelmed and the journey was such a quick, easy drive. Minnis Bay is quite near so if I suddenly wanted a really, really quiet time, then not a problem. However, Minnis Bay doesn't have the Pelosi's Ice Cream parlour, or Morelli's which Broadstairs does.


1- Purely artistic license by the author. Pugin may prefer to shop at Waitrose instead.

New book shop

I nearly fell over in Woolwich today. You see, I noticed that a bookshop has opened up in our town centre. Our town centre which is going through a Renaissance; it is quite (im)possibly 'the Westfield of 'Woolwich'.

I digress.

Bookshop.

Oh yes. I was so very shocked that I nearly fell backwards and quite inclined to utter the words, "lorks o Lordy my lorgnettes do deceive me". It is such a great thing to have a bookshop. No, it's not quite Hatchards on Piccadilly, but anything to promote reading is a great thing. WH Smith sell books, but I rarely go upstairs as I usually have a pram and it doesn't like stairs. I have thought about bumping the pram up but would prefer not to re-enact the famous scene from Battleship Potemkin, especially in Woolwich.

I will go in to the bookshop and ask if they have a first edition of Tamburlaine.

Into The Woods

All was quiet in the deep dark woods, a fox saw a ........

I like to take the Toddler Panglosses [hmmm, that doesn't work. Pangloss Toddlers - they sound like farmers from a Pieter Bruegel painting but that's not such a bad thing].

Let's start again, I like to take the Pangloss Toddlers to the woods for a wander. Kicking up leaves, looking out for squirrels, finding pine cones, climbing over fallen trees and of course getting the all-important stick to aid our rambles. It's a really nice way to spend an afternoon.

We went to Oxleas Woods for an adventure and heard rustling. Fox? badger? Gruffalo?

You know when you turn round, see a person and they are acting really guilty? On more than one occasion, we have seen men acting very suspiciously, always walking away from us when spotted. Funny that. I think they were waiting for 'a friend' but we turned up instead; I think we put the willies up 'em.

I will say no more.

Kill, kill, violence, yehhh, grunt

The people next door (I can't call them neighbours as there is nothing neighbourly about them), are indulging in a killing spree. From 7 o'clock last night until past midnight, the young children have been firing machine guns and exploding things on their games console. They can do as they please, but their windows are wide open¹ and all I've been hearing is the noise of death and destruction. Being a hot night, I had to close my windows and still heard it all loud and clear.

I'm fairly amazed the feral scrotes have woken up already as killing for 5 hours must be tiring. Before 10 o'clock this morning, I'm subjected to more of the same.

The Shameless family completely stick out like a sore thumb here. I'm all for integration and a mixed community, but they're not playing ball. What sickens me most is that our taxes are paying for them to continue to lounge around the house all day.

Playing Devil's Advocate, are they actually the smart ones? Why work for a living when you can stare at a TV all day long?

-

footnote

1- I've never understood why the Shameless keep windows wide open, even when it reached freezing point in Winter. BTW, they're not stuck open, as they have closed them once in a while.

Charlton House Spa

Most of us lead busy & exhausting lives. It's a hard slog at work and hellish commuting conditions to get back home. So, what better way to wind down than treat yourself to a spa day?


The tranquil setting of The Charlton House Spa offers a hydrotherapy pool, a crystal steam room and other fancy shmancy spa experiences. Back massages and manicures are also on offer.


It all sounds too good to be true. It's true, but this is Charlton House in Somerset.

Vuvuzela

I think I may be one of a majority who have never heard of a vuvuzela before this World Cup. I'm not offended by the trumpeting sound, but after the soccer competition, will it just die away as a footie fad? Let's embrace it.

I think Wimbledon would receive a real lift with the vuvzela on court number one.

Sharapova about to serve for match point. Intense concentration. VUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU VUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU............

I just about noticed a house behind the flags

Travelling through Welling, I saw this tasteful addition to the English landscape. I actually really like their passion for our team in the World Cup, but don't think they have ever heard the phrase 'less is more'?

If on Wednesday, we drop out from the soccer competition, I guess the roads will be strewn with abandoned little flags torn in disgust from car windows. I fire this warning shot across the bows of Cleansweep so they can prepare themselves in case of extra litter.

Taking stuff out of boxes

I can't imagine life without the internet anymore. Finding out about anything is such a breeze although of course you need to filter out the detritus before you hit gold.

One day, the battery in my car had run flat. Lifting up the bonnet, I couldn't see where it was. Leafing through the owner's manual, I couldn't see where it was. How queer. An internet search gave me the answer. Someone who had my car (well, not my car, but they had the same model), had filmed themselves unbolting bits and moving stuff from the bonnet to reveal the battery. Brilliant. I did as I was instructed and felt the satisfaction of not paying out for a motor mechanic.

There are all sorts of video clips to be found (no tittering at the back), but I don't really get 'unpacking' videos. I've discovered that there are quite alot of these, where people film themselves removing things from their packaging. I think they are gadget geeks.

I was shopping around for a camera, so turned to the internet and found some video reviews (very useful to get real members of the public telling it like it is), then found a video of someone taking a camera out of its' box and holding each item up to the video camera. Nothing more than that. 1) Camera in bubble wrap - woooohooo. 2) Instruction manual - thrilling. 3) A power cable tied with a sandwich bag wire thing - mind blowing.

Such a video is not like the car battery video. It's not instructional. You don't need to think out of the box to open it [I'm really proud of that pun - ed.]

Here, I've found another unboxing video so you can realise that watching paint dry is relatively exciting.

new look

Not a post about the High Street clothing outlet, but the whizzy new look to Plumsteadshire. I guess I'll be tinkering around with the style a little bit, but maybe I won't. We've been very busy at The Shire HQ, which is why the blog has been quiet. Plenty of ideas and things to say, but there just aren't enough hours in a day and all that.

Must try harder - ed.

Manga Flats

I see that the new high-rise block of flats being built next to Plumstead Railway Station is called Akira Heights.

What were the marketing department thinking of when choosing this name? The name Akira is fine although I don't see the link between a Japanese name and our corner of South East London. What I absolutely don't understand is that the Akira Heights branding is linked to the cult Japanese manga animation, Akira. I saw this film quite a few years ago and can remember it being about a motorcycle gang riding at high speed around a kind of post-nuclear war torn Tokyo, explosions and all set to a techno punk soundtrack. Call me old-fashioned, but not what I call aspirational living.

New Bookshop

Today, I nearly fell over in Woolwich town centre. I tripped up on the banana skin of surprise. There is a new bookshop. I know it's very condescending of me to even think 'Woolwich' and 'reading', but I know I won't be the only person to think this.

It's such an excellent addition to the gradual regeneration of Woolwich town centre, the Westfield of Greater East Charlton.

I'm going to pop in and see if they have any first editions of Tamburlaine.

New local resource

Have heard about a new website called Best Of Plumstead. It's choc full of local goodness and all the staff of Plumsteadshire HQ wishes them online success.

Plumstead Make Merry

There has been a very good write up about the Make Merry Festival on The Mirror website. I love the Make Merry and thank the organisers for keeping it going. I don't know its' history but it has a medieval twang about it. With this in mind, I applaud the inclusion of the maypole, Punch and Judy¹ and the terrifying Victorian clown, but would like to see more olde worlde past times such as troubadours, falconry and witch ducking.

Saturday 5th June 12pm onwards

Plumstead Common