Crop circles

Over the festive period, the Common has been visited by the Plumstead Regional Arts Team (you can work the acronym out for yourselves). Their latest installation is a crop circle inspired piece entitled 'scumbag #1'. Merry Christmas!

Bad news

A couple of lovely listeners have alerted me to a shooting incident around the Common a couple of weeks ago.

I knew nothing about this. Strolling around The Shire, I saw this discreet notice. I presume the gun shots came from the area around the St something and someone church.

I hate to say this, but this kind of sums up my view of this year. News reports every other week about another youngster stabbed, another gun related incident. Tabloid journalism ruling the airwaves? Bad news sells?

Sigh. There's no way I'm going to end 2007 on a bum note. The fog on the Common looked absolutely gorgeous and I was desperate to photograph it and post up a lovely pic of our lovely green space, but I couldn't find my camera in time.

Have a lovely Christmas me dearios.

Shops

Was out for a stroll around The Shire this week and noticed that a couple of retail properties are being readied for the good folk o' Plumsteadshire.

1) The old video shop and teen hang-out at The Slade. I think the last speculation was that this is going to become a bookmakers. Thank the Lord God this is not the case. I loathe these cheap gambling dens almost as much as I hate seeing men wearing enormous spectacles (see Timmy Mallett). Speaking of which, I do believe this shop will be opening as an opticians. I don't know what it will be called, but I always thought 'For Eyes' is a funny and clever name.

2) The most under-rated plasterboard storage unit. The shop on the corner of Admaston Road has been home to baths, sinks and sheets and sheets of Gyproc for as long as I can remember. What an under-used shop. This could easily be turned into my jazz café. Picture it. Coffees, home made cakes, newspapers, cribbage and Sonny Rollins Sundays. I digress.
Speculation has been that this shop will become (yet another), estate agent.....and there was I believing that there's a down-turn in the housing market.

3) Next door to the Gyproc store is/was Abalone. I never understood why a printing shop would be named Abalone. Was the owner called Mr Abalone? Well, I don't know if this is anything to do with Gyproc or if it's going to become another estate agent. How about if it kept its' name and turned into a fish restaurant? Nothing really fancy like Loch Fyne, but something slightly fancy like Olleys in Hernia Hill.

Load of old rubbish

Over the past week or so, I've noticed a skip in the middle of Old Mill Road on Plumstead Common. I don't know who put it there, but it's unsightly and a haven for rats et al.

Today, the skip has gone but the rubbish remains. How nice is that? Was the skip a not very secret hiding place for the drug dealers to stash their wares? Was the skip removal some kind of magic trick? Kind of like the way you tug a table cloth really quickly and the plates, salt & pepper pots and other dining paraphernalia stay in place.

A quick phone call to Cleansweep is in order.

15 million details - LOST

So there's a computer disc lost out in the big bad world with millions upon millions of our important personal details.

Total imbeciles or just a simple mistake? Whatever it is, I'm seething. I'm the incredible hulk on steroids, I'm so fired up, I'll put Tyson down in one blow.

This is information security at a pretty low level.

Here's something to bring my blood pressure back down below 600.

Pop quiz.

The disc in question is password protected. What could this password be?

HMRCprat
child123

I welcome suggestions from lovely listeners.

petition to stop the pikeys

I'm never sure what these online petitions achieve, but you've got to be in it to win it, or something like that.

This petition is out to rid the Common of the dirty scumbags who sell dodgy cars. What's so wrong with a sledgehammer anyway?

Nice painting

One of my favourite pieces of art in the Shire is this early work from an anonymous student of Oskar Kokoschka. One can tell from the sombre style that our own local artist spent many dog days in the Dresden Kunst Academy.

Poor fellow.

The distant figure with his head buried in the ground symbolises the despair and total angst suffered by local folk whilst queuing for bread and water at the Co-Op.

The artist has cleverly framed this little known masterpiece of social commentary by working with Piet Mondrian. As can be seen in this photograph, the Mondrian style is alive and kicking (no pun intended), at the martial arts club in Plumsteadshire.

dodgy geezers

I need a clock for my car, so off I trot to Halfords in Charlton.

The Halfords welcoming committee were already waiting in the car park, greeting customers with their phrase, "Never knowingly undersold."

Oh no, that's not it.

"Don't sign on the dotted line until you talk to Tempo."

That's not it.....

Oh yes, "Wanna buy a laptop?" As welcoming committees go, they're pretty lax and I find it rather disrespectful to stay in their car and grunt through the window. I tried to reach for my cameraphone and snap a photo of them for my diary (and the local constabulary), but they drove off very quickly. Well, I'd expect they've got to meet and greet as many customers as they can.

really nice signage

I sent Weegee, my chief photographer down to the Slade to capture the gorgeous signage above the butcher shop facade. Well here it is - in color.

Makes you feel proud doesn't it?

I've also taken a photo of an abomination of a shop sign. It's the seeping kebab image.

Actually, this one is pretty tame in comparison to the one I originally saw; you get the message though.

Yum yum. Well, lovely listeners, you can be rest assured that it doesn't belong to any take away in The Shire.

modern manners

Modern manners. Is this an oxymoron?

Well, that's a rant for another day. For the moment, I'd like to know one thing.

I'm going to an engagement party and have never been to one before. Should I take a present to this party? It's an informal do.

many thanks,
Doctor Pangloss

The Police

Sunday night was a great night. I've waited 21 years for this and was not disappointed; I went to The Police concert at Twickenham.

I expected to see a bunch of tired old coppers, but no way. Sting, Stewart & Andy were full of beans. Sting, well you expect him to look as he did back in the '80s. Apart from the glasses, Stewart is as energetic a drummer as ever and Andy now sports a generous turkey neck.

Being a young fogey, I just wanted to hear old familiar tunes and that's what I got. Nice. I knew there was no new material, so that was a safe bet.

Actually, we had a great surprise bonus we we arrived at the stadium. I'd bought £45 seats up in the gods and the ticket chap said that as we were early, we had the option of upgrading. Of course, I had my suspicions even though he looked official and working within the premises. We took the plunge and by golly we were given £70 tickets in the lower tier. No fear of nose bleeds now.

Of course, I really wanted to take my camera, but didn't want to go through the indignity of having my memory card erased (35mm is so last century). Well, I found photos on the interweb, so I can pretend I took them.

The journey home was a mission. It took over an hour just to get to Twickenham train station. I'll cut to the chase and tell you lovely listeners that it took 3½ hours to get home. There weren't even any deviations to pubs, mad cow burger bars or kebab shops with ugly signs. It was meant to be a simple journey home on public transport. Somehow, even this couldn't ruin my night out.

OAPs on stage

Have you ever waited most of your life for something to happen?

Please, no facetious answers ie

1) Waiting to pay at the Co Op
2) Waiting for a 53 bus when it's raining
3) Waiting for Godot
4) Waiting for a human being to answer when dialling an 0870 number (BTW this is a con trick - ed.)
5) Waiting for Greenwich Council to spend some cash on the betterment of Plumstead Common
6) Waiting for Greenwich Council to spend some cash on the betterment of Plumstead Common
7) Waiting for Greenwich Council to spend some cash on the betterment of Plumstead Common

etcetera etcetera. You get the message.

On Sunday, I'm going to see The Police in concert at Twickenham. On the whole, I don't like popular music, but was a big fan of The Police. I haven't got a clue what it'll be like now; can't imagine they'll be leaping around the whole time, or maybe if they do they'll sit down every 5 minutes and have a sip of Ovaltine.

Travelling to Twickenham seems straightforward enough, but if any lovely listeners have any top tips on the journey/venue, I'm all ears. Things like :-

1) Do I take the front train carriage at Waterloo in case it'll be mayhem at Twickenham station?
2) Do I leave 10 minutes before the concert ends because it'll be mayhem at Twickenham station?
3) Never buy a drink at the venue because it's really expensive?

Or is this venue really well organised, so I have nothing to fear?

new iPod

I've taken my eye off the tech ball lately, so imagine my surprise when I find out that the latest Apple keynote speech announced new iPods. Not just any old iPod, but touchscreen iPods. This has been speculated about for years and for some reason, I thought the iPhone was it.

I guess a touchscreen device is no great shakes nowadays, but even so, it's none too shabby.

jungle drums

Over the past couple of mornings, I've woken up to the sounds of jungle drums or some sort of repetitive beat. It sounds very distant, coming from Plumstead Manor School/Plumstead High Street direction.

First of all, I thought these were noises inside my head, a bit like writing a blog (talking but no-one listening, hearing drums but no-one playing. You get where I'm coming from?).

Anyway, I'm convinced there are distant drums noises, but why on earth at 5am? Is it an illegal rave happening in Plumstead Manor? Is it the long lost tribe of Temmesmead Marshes making communication with civilisation?

useless knowledge

Whilst being stuck on the M25 today, I stared into deep space and thought, 'I wonder how I can roll up a frying pan?'

Well now I know.


http://www.instructables.com/id/EIVXYL5F46WOEW7/

Local stuff

All quiet in da hood. Even pikey car sellers have been quiet. It must be those posters nailed to the trees. A bit of information to tell the greasy tax dodgers what's what; they don't like it up 'em. Having said that, a couple of dodgy cars have turned up, but still nothing like before. Pity really as I was going to buy a sledgehammer in the Ablair summer blue cross sale.

I thought I'd give two mentions to local businesses.

1) The butcher at the Slade. I absolutely love their new shop signage. I don't know how long it's been changed, but it is stunning. Sign-writing is a dying art, taken over by horrible printed vinyl signage, the absolutely worst offenders being kebab shops. The name of the shop is a must, but why oh why do we need a background image of a seeping roll of steaming lamb? I think I saw this abomination along Green Lanes.

So when I get some spare time, I'll pop down to the monastery and get the chaps to knock up a scroll/certificate and present it to the butcher shop for services to the enhancement of Plumsteadshire.

2) I'll not be presenting one of those scrolls to The Ship or SJ's Lounge.

I'm sorry, but SJ's Lounge just says 'porno shop' to me. It's great that they've made the effort, but man alive, I really did think a sex shop had opened in the village. At least we can be grateful that SJ hadn't opted for the printed vinyl 'seeping lamb' shop sign.

As for The Ship, I still cannot bring myself to go in. The whole place just gives off an odour of naffness. The appalling signage, the total disregard for the architectural exterior, the characterless interior. The Peter Stringfellow school of thinking, but done really badly.

I'll have to photograph the butcher shop and post it here, just to make myself feel better.

The beach

Popped down to the Millenium Dome today [I just can't call it by its' new name; that's just too much free advertising].

By the way, did I mention that Apple make the gorgeous iPhone? Yes, Apple. The iPhone is this year's Christmas gadget must-have. It's not cheap, but it'll be non too shabby neither. And one more thing, it runs OS X. Available from all good...... actually, I don't know where to get it, but what the hey?

I digress.

Dome. That's right. I wanted to see the developments at this venue and also to see the Beach. It's to bring sea-side fun to Londoners who can't afford Margate - now that is really saying something. Given that the Dome has just opened, I expected something fairly spectacular, to give us a wow factor, just to shake off the Dome's bad history. I expected a glistening beach with a wave machine creating a bit of a sea - you can't build much of a sand castle with dry sand. I expected heat and fake sunlight and even a backdrop of a blue sky.

No.

We've got a huge pile of play sand with a couple of fake palm trees. The theming goes as far as a few shark's fins and a raft made from an old wooden pallette. Every expense was spared. It's a dire effort and hugely disappointing. I don't know if this is our version of the Paris Plage?

If you want to take your children for a half day out, join a queue at the Co Op, it's more fun.

last minute request

Listening to the Robert Elms Show on BBC Radio London. 94.9fm.

A listener is wanting to know about a sculpture in the playground of Plumstead Manor School. If anyone does know (in the next hour), then ring or email the show.

020 7224 2000
robert.elms@bbc.co.uk

I did say it's a last minute request.

Cold custard

I was obviously very focused on work today; it suddenly struck me that I've not eaten a custard tart for a few months. I'd not gone through 'cold custard', or even had a hankering.

My last indulgence was finishing off a Marks and Spencer ECT (Egg Custard Tart to the uninitiated). This M&S brand of ECT was recommended by one lovely listener and it certainly delivered, but I do think the pastry chefs at M&S HQ were trying too hard. I found it was a little too flamboyant for my likings.

The Sainsbury's ECT still wins head and shoulders above the rest. The Waitrose offer was just way off the mark with a kind of wholemeal pastry. I mean, what's all that about? Showboating is just not de rigeur when it comes to such culinary basics.

Beyond our Ken

I came across this news story concerning Lord Levy today. I'm sure it's of great national importance, but I'm not interested. However, what caught my attention was how much LL looked like Kenneth Williams.

Did LL ever utter the phrase "'ere, stop messing about?"