A warning to Mr Blair

Well, election time over and Labour have seen a barrage of shots across their bows. Here's hoping that they might wake up to the thought that us tax payers aren't happy bunnies at the moment.

Here's a novel idea - as we're paying an incredible level of tax, how about giving a service in return? No, I know it doesn't work like that. Actually, it doesn't work. Period. In which case, if I get nothing in return for my thousands of pounds, can't I opt out of paying into this extortion racket, I mean, taxation?

No. Didn't think so.

Maybe I'll start a bonfire and burn next year's wad of thousands of pounds. A pointless exercise maybe, but I'll have the satisfaction that I'm not lining the pockets of our public servants.

Something that is REALLY worth sitting up and taking note of is the French theatrical event in Central London. How can any Londoner not have heard of the rocket that had crashed into the street? Or that there's an 11 metre high elephant roaming around town.

Well, especially for my readers in faraway lands such as Japan, Poland and Dagenham, here are a couple of photos I've 'borrowed' from the interweb.

Vote now!

No excuses. Get down to the polling stations today.

Curbishley

I've said it before and I'll say it again; I don't follow football league and I don't give two hoots who wins.

Why is it then that I actually feel a tiny bit sad that Mr Curbishley is leaving Charlton Ath? I don't know if it's a good thing. Maybe the fans hate the fellow.

All I know is that Charlton were promoted up to the Premiership not so long ago and just by hearing bits on the crystal set that Mr Curbishley has taken the club upwards.

From a non-football fan's point of view, Mr C looks like a nice man and as footballers go, he can string sentences together without resorting to saying, "errr, yeh, like, at the end o' the day, dat game woz good."

That's good enough for me Mr C.

World Cup Fever

Fever..... I'll say.

Yes, Sven and every England fan must be breaking out into a cold sweat now that Sir Gawain Rooney has broken his toe nail.

Don't nancy around man. Stiff upper lip and get on the pitch.

Spring is here

Arriving home yesterday evening, I was overcome by a queer feeling - I had the urge to mow the lawn.

Should I lie down and take an Aspirin, phone the Samaritans or walk in to the light?

The first cut of the season. Ahhh, this is one thing to remind me 'this is England'

Just to quote that English writer bloke,
Here's some lines for Plumsteadshire.
The grass is cut, the deed is done,
That urge is quelled that made me feel queer.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

Petrol prices

I noticed that petrol station forecourt totems (you know, the thing with the gasoline price displayed and also hides mobile phone transmitters even though customers have to switch phones off whilst on the premises - practice what you preach), display 2 digits, 1 decimal point and another digit ie

94.9

see this example from many many years ago......


In which case, if/when the price exceeds 99.9p, how do they display 3 digits, 1 decimal point and another digit? ie

110.9

Does this mean that there is a ceiling price of 99.9p to gasoline?

Probably not.

So does it mean the price rise can be endless and that the gas station managers have numbers at differing widths and type-sizes? Do they also have numbers in different fonts? That'll jolly things up.


Flicking around on the interweb, I found the image at the bottom which seems to say it all.....

Voting time again

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bored of this pathetic useless government.

My SWOT analysis of these plonkers is weighted so much in the wrong direction. I won't go into any of it, but for starters, all I can say is NHS.

I tried to vote these muppets out in the last election and will do the same again.

Make up your own minds and use your vote. If you love New Labour then make your mark, if you hate them, then make your mark. I was really disgusted how many of my peers didn't bother before.

Apparently, West Ham beat some Northerners

Sometimes, you just have to remind yourself....

Il est tout pour le meilleur dans ce meilleur de tous les mondes possibles.

Ronaldinho & Recycling

I missed the Barcelona match this week, but saw clips of Ronaldinho grinning away as usual.

Yes, he probably gets paid stacks of cash and endorses toothpaste and wet look gel, but it's so refreshing to see a grown man smile on the pitch, looking like he's enjoying his job. I can't stand all these blokes getting all too serious and Neanderthal whilst playing footie.

Imagine that? Being PAID to PLAY. Job's a good 'un.

Well, the reason I missed the game was that I'm enjoying a series on BBC2 all about a family going green in Cornwall. In the same vein as my Ronaldinho observation above, this family have broken from the social stereotype too. This is a HAPPY FAMILY.

Not sure the last time I saw one of those on tv.

They're obviously going the whole hog on the green thing, but I tell you what. I think it's really disgusting how many people don't even recycle.

We've had a few people stay at our house and even though we point out the difference between a recycling bin and a crappy smelly bin, they ignore this and everything goes into the smelly bin. It's not as if these are pikeys at all, they just don't seem to be bothered.

So I asked people at work about their recycling. Most don't bother. These are well educated people.

Dis-affected youth maybe? Crap. I hate that phrase anyway. Lazy buggers that's what I say. You want something sonny? Then work to get it. Kids say they're bored and need yoof clubs? Crap. All you need is a ball, a couple of jumpers for goal-posts and an imagination. People born after 1990 seem to be devoid of imagination.

I digress.

I'm a little bit lost why I seem to be in a minority when it comes to recycling.

What's the difficulty?

Come on Boro!!!

I don't support any football team, nor do I watch football on any regular basis. I just like a good game.

Luckily for me, whilst channel flicking I came across some Northern team playing a foreign team called Basil. Cracking game. Goals galore and great to see players running around the whole time in order to justify their handsome wages.

What I couldn't understand was why Basil's wicket-keeper was allowed to wear an orange jersey, which matched the Northerner's red shirts. In the last few minutes of the game, he was in the Northerner's penalty area and I couldn't tell why two red shirts were fouling each other. I mean, I might as well be watching it on a black and white tv.

Dixons

Last Friday, I happened to put Dixons in a bad light. I must have psychic abilities that I've been unaware of.

Well, no loss to the British High Street, except where are those specky boys who 'work' at Dixons going to work now?

Apple XP

One small step for Apple, one giant leap for Microsoft.

It's sometimes tough for minorities and as a stalwart Mac fan, the tough just got tougher.

We've known for years that Microsoft can squash us under their little finger and have chosen not to. Well, that would bring the monopolies commission into play wouldn't it?

Bringing XP onto a Mac is Apple playing the 'if you can't beat 'em then join 'em card.

I know, why don't we bundle in a crap web browser and a word processor that is too complicated for its' own good as well?

Fat Terry Henry

I had to endure the rail system today. The one good thing about this is that I can play spot the look-a-like or spot the amazingly ugly person who's trying to mask their misfortune with a whacky hair do.

Both wholesome family games for everyone from 7 to 70. Available from all good chavvy conurbations.

Today's spot was a fat Thierry Henry at London Bridge Station, platform 6. If this fellow wasn't big boned, he may have a healthy career opening fetes and French car dealerships. Maybe he could come to Plumstead Common and shift a few ILLEGALLY SOLD CARS!!!!! There are enough here to warrant being called a dealership. Why is it so difficult to prosecute these greasy soap (and tax) dodgers?

Apple Birthday

Well, I did a spot of shopping at the Apple Store in Regent Street last night. Not a great fan of that store - too many tourists checking their hotmail and stopping genuine shoppers from test driving products.

I much prefer the Bluewater store, but then again, I much prefer shopping out there than the West End any day.

Whilst quizzing one of the shop assistant/Mac gurus, I just had to ask,
"Any new products coming out on Saturday?"
Mr Guru started laughing and tried to shake off the question like I'm a tabloid hack (maybe he knows me as Doctor Pangloss AKA Weegee de Plumsteadshire).
"There must be something happening on Saturday?"
This was met by more chuckles and he refused to look up from his till, just saying "I'm not sure what you mean."

Now, if this was Di*ons or PC W***d, I'd believe that they wouldn't have a clue (about anything).

"So no new products on Saturday?"
"No", more laughter
"OK. I'll take that as a yes."

So I just left it at that and wished him happy 30th birthday.

Apple 30th Birthday

This Saturday is Apple Computer's 30th birthday.

Yes, it'll be April Fool's Day and yes, PC users can come up with side-splittingly hilarious jibes to go with their penis envy, but we can handle it. We have done for all these years.

A 30th Anniversary will be a good time to release some swanky kit.

How about a video iPod which has an edge to edge touch-screen the full width of the unit? Wouldn't say no.

On the subject of iPods, Apple have released a download for iPod users so they can limit the volume on their players. This no doubt has come about as some users try to sue Apple for deafening them. So much for personal responsibility.

I don't understand this litigious culture. Remember those idiots who tried to sue McDonalds for forcing them to eat food? Remember those idiots who tried to sue tobacco companies for forcing them to smoke their guts out? Remember those idiot parents who blame teachers because their kids run riot?

Well, earth calling ASBO parents. Hello? Anyone home? You're reaping the rewards to your own doing.

If there's a campaign for common sense, then I'll sign up.

Adidas +10

Hey, I've just a really surreal evening.

I was brushing shoulders with Beckham, Gerrard, Cisse, Lampard, DeFoe, Dyer, Ashley Cole, Arjen Robben, Damien Duff, Wright-Phillips, Gary Neville and some others, oh and also Jonah Lomu, James Cracknell, Ben Cohen, Jonny Wilkinson, Vernon Kay, Trevor Nelson and some pop people who I don't know.

Impressive eh?

"How?" I hear you ask.

I've been working on a football event for Adidas called +10 Challenge and tonight was the event night. It's been filmed for E4 or T4 and will be going out on television!!!!

My back-stage pass was ACCESS ALL AREAS.

Good eh?

I wanted to give Becks a few pre-World Cup words of encouragement, like "play 4-3-3 scissors and switch to sweeper in the final ten minutes" or "don't mess up punk", but thought that people get paid big bucks for managing a team, so not to give away trade secrets too cheaply.

Being a person easily star-struck, I really wanted to get autographs and photos but thought that it might be a tad unprofessional as I was sort of there working. I'll probably kick myself tomorrow but at the time, I kept saying to myself, "it's only Beckham, he's only one of the best free-kick takers in the World. He's only the England captain. He's only mega rich and mega famous."

To be honest, I was more in awe of Jonah Lomu. I'm sure he looks alot bigger on tv when he played for the all blacks.

Get tough on crime

I'm sorry Plumsteadshire. I'm sickened and angry and have to get this off my chest.

How much longer will this spineless government allow the shit of society carry on doing what they do?

How many more will have to suffer and die before those in power realise that social inclusion and other OTT liberal bullshit experiments let the Leneghan murderers and their kind roam free?

Until our so-called laws are enforced and toughened, this is no free country for those of us who fear this scum.

The Plumstead Regeneration Society

A big belated thanks to Plum for this link. It's the Plumstead Regeneration Society and they are all about getting recognition, funding and forward planning for Plumstead. Well, I think that's the deal.
I will check them out properly soon, but please see for yourselves too.

Plumstead body

Here's an update to the previous dastardly carryings-on in Plumsteadshire. Being the county's very own Weegee, I am way ahead of the Newsshopper and The Mercury. Yes, if it's happening in Plumsteadshire and it's worth reporting, the Doktor is there, 24hrs a day scanning the news wires across the globe, listening to news reports on the crystal set and keeping in close contact with my overseas news agencies.

The aforementioned ghoulish news of course is the tragic BODY ON THE COMMON incident.

Not only do we see a tattoo, we now have a name.

Beer on tap

nice.

Apple Widgets

In answer to the anonymous poster, a Mac widget is a tiny little programme which runs within the Mac's Dashboard programme.

There are hundreds of widgets to download that cover anything from aviation weather to amino acid tables (I feel my life is complete with this). You'll wonder how you ever managed before without the Prezzi Benzina, to check the average price of Benzine in Italy. It's a marvel.

One of my most useful ones is Tubetrack, despite its' name, it doesn't just give you up to the minute times of London's wonderful underground system, it also covers UK national rail, DLR and Dublin DART and as well. I have mine set up for Plumstead train times, so I can see which train I'll miss because I'm messing about on the computer.

It's not all useful/useless information though, here's one if you're a sudoku addict, and a webcam of Halifax, no not the bank opposite Yates Wine Lodge in Lewisham, this is Halifax in Nova Scotia, Canada.

Dashboard rocks

NICE.

Mac Widget

Just downloaded a Blogger Dashboard widget for my Mac, so just giving it a go to see if it works alright.

Museums around Greenwich

At the weekend, in between reporting on the Mystery Man of Plumstead for Reuters, road testing a Segway and watching Capote in time to cast my vote for the Academy, I managed to have some R&R (whatever that means).

After ten years of living around these parts, I finally visited the Royal Observatory in Greenwich Park. It is a really good little museum. In fact, the museum layout is rather like a Tardis. There's alot more to see than you'd imagine.

I found the museum very well layed out, very educational and entertaining at the same time - edutainment. A bit like the amazing view across London from the top of the hill, the museum is a place that makes you feel very proud to live in Greenwich. The displays are catered towards children and it's a veritable audio visual feast. And it's free entry. You can't say fairer than that. So get out next weekend and pay a visit.

Also on my hit-list are:-
The National Maritime Museum
The Firepower Museum. Been before a year ago. Really like it, so must go again as I feel it needs support.
The William Morris Red House. Been over a year ago. Very exciting to see over the next few years what original decoration might be uncovered under the layers of white emulsion.
Eltham Palace. I like a bit of Art Deco and can't believe I haven't been yet.
The Crossness Engines. This serious piece of Victorian engineering is in Thamesmead!!!! And that's no crap.

Oh my days. All this on our own doorstep and skids of today moan about nuffink to do. USE YOUR IMAGINATION DUDES.

Two wheels good.

Sunday.

Went to lunch at our posh friend's house. Good food and good company make for a great mix. Add in good gadgets and we are now in the premier league.

Two wheels make getting from A to Z enjoyable and exhilarating. Yamaha YZF R1. Enough said.


Now how about this?

Part sholley, part 1950s vision of future travel, the Segway is a bizarre experience. Lean forwards to go forwards, lean back to reverse or stop. I found it very quick to pick up and difficult to put down. Being a biker, I naturally check over my shoulders before changing direction, but as this thing turns on its' own centrepoint, I barely needed to do my lifesavers.

Here's a good picture of that American prat, George Bush falling off a Segway.
Shamone Segway!!!!

If I rode one to work, I'd install the 'Ben Hur wheel conversion pack' and make my way through the rush hour crowds with ease.

NICE.

And especially for Steve, before you start ripping Marc's machine to bits, here's a bit of tech info to help you along.

DLR coming to Woolwich

So Woolwich is one step closer to the DLR tunneling, one step closer to Mankind.

There is a boring machine in place.
Well dear, I never expected it to be exciting did I?

Common Forensics

Well, the forensic scientists have been scouring the Common in their fetching one piece hoodys (so last year). I fear they'll find alot more to do with the dodgy drug dealers who park up there every evening rather than whatever happened to this person. I wonder if the two are related?

I walk across the Common every evening in the pitch darkness after work. Oddly, I don't feel put off, but maybe I should err on the side of caution.

If this is gang related, then I'm not bothered (bovvered), nor scared. If it's a couple of psycho's who just picked on a passer-by, then this can happen anywhere.

Well, rather than escape from London, I remind myself that at least we've got freedom of speech, a great social health system, respectful children, a democractically elected Mayor and Government who work for the good of the us tax payers.......... oh, none of the above.

Plumstead Common taped off

I noticed that Plumstead Common has been cordonned off by the police this morning. That would explain why I couldn't get any sleep last night, what with a police chopper hovering overhead. And there was I thinking they were filming another episode of 'Police, Camera, Action' for Men & Motors.

Can't be very serious on the Common though, as the police have erected a tent in the middle of it all. They must be enjoying tea & biscuits.

Plumstead Village

Let's show some love to Raffles. Thanks for the Ship pub weblink.

Referring to the link, I'd be amazed if we end up with a speciality fish restaurant, and I'd eat my hat if Plumstead Common has its' own French Restaurant. I know estate agents love to big up a property, but French Restaurant?????? That is a stretch of anyone's imagination. Go on HHP, call it 'a bijou French restaurant endorsed by Michel Roux in the leafy suburb of Plumstead Village'. Anyone can write copy for estate agents. I think I'd have a good time being an estate agent spin doctor.

Anyway, back to 'stretch of the imagination'. Remember that fishmongery which opened up for about 6 months? The shop that is now Crimson Rose florist? Well, I was so excited that a PROPER shop had come to Plumsteadshire, that I even went to make a purchase. Got to support your local shops. This, of course was a few years ago.

Picture it. It's Friday, so I thought I'd make myself a fish supper. Pop out to the local fishmonger and buy something that had only been swimming around the Cornish coastline early that morning. Nice and fresh. In the shop, not much on display, so assume the stock is in the chiller cabinet in the back of the shop. I ask the squire for some mackerel.
"Has to be ordered a week in advance".
I'm left slightly agog. I mean, I wasn't exactly asking for Chaunax Suttkusi or a Japanese shark's fin. Maybe I should've taken the hint when I saw the empty display chiller.

My point is this. Is Plumstead Village ready for gentrification? Does Plumstead Village want to become a Village? Or remain a Common?

I think it's absolutely ripe for the move. A nice outlook across the leafy open space. Nice houses around. Nice big woodlands only a short walk away, our own karate club. What more do you need? A good CAMRA pub would be really nice and a specialist fish restaurant. Call me old fashioned, but I am glad that bizarre African hairdresser/minimarket combo has gone. I'm all for multiracial integration, but I also like a shop to look neat too. A hairdresser which also sells huge bags of rice and luminous pink plastic buckets displayed on the pavement just didn't do it for me. I'm not quite so offended by the shop on the corner which looks like a storage space for bathrooms and sinks. It's clearly not a showroom, but clearly a wasted opportunity.

I'm sure the council have grants for shopfronts, but Plumsteadshire is probably low down in the food chain and such grants will only filter as far as Blackheath.

Lookalikes

It's been such a long time since I've blogged, I almost forgot how to do it.

Quick one.

On my way down to Plumsteadshire International this morning, I passed a very cranky old bloke. Cranky, yes but he looked surprisingly similar to the Shatmeister Numero Uno, William Shatner.

There's many a time when a spy camera bow-tie pays dividends. I think Bill Shatner is a one off. You know when you walk the same walk at the same time every morning and evening and you see the same people on the same train and they desperately try to sit in the same seat (oh God, give me a razor blade. Fritz Lang got it just right in Metropolis), anyway I regularly see Woody Allen, but have never seen the Shatmeister though. Maybe he was just visiting his grand children, or just been released from Belmarsh?

All for the best......

Valentine's Day

Popping down to the shops at lunchtime, I just love seeing blokes in lands of the undiscovered.

Jewellers, florists, clothes shops specialising in underwear which simply won't keep a Winter chill away.

It has to be Valentine's Day. Of course it does.
It is hilarious seeing chaps shuffling from side to side whilst trying not to catch the assistant's eye.
Don't talk to me. I don't even want to be here. Just pay and go. Pay and go.

It's great seeing blokes buying jewellery. As long as it shines, it'll do. Assistant speaks of carats and purity and chappy's eye's glint away. That'll be the glint of a person staring into deep space whilst thinking 'what the f*** are you on about?'

The underwear section of M&S must be a great sight. You can just imagine it. Blokes taking ages to dare and cross the threshold off the aisle and into a sea of lycra and silk. Tunnel vision is a great thing in these circumstances. Act like a birs of prey, focus on one item, don't care what. Walk quickly in the straightest line to the kill, pull it off the hanger and make for the till. You've already clocked your escape route, so this requires no decision making. At the till, stare at the chip and pin reader and definitely make no eye contact with the assistant. Your mind is so focused on getting out of M&S that you can't even hear the sniggering of customers who can see you are SO out of place here.

Religion. whatever.

It's interesting to see what's going on with the spats of those in favour of the cartoons and those who have been offended.

Freedom of speech. Yes, I'm for it. Isn't the incredible growth of blogs a testament to this? Ya'll know damn right it is.

On the other hand, I find it quite heartening that religious belief can be so strong that people are prepared to go to great great lengths to defend their belief. I don't get the idea that insulting an invisible 'God' and a religion can be more hurtful than insulting your own mother. I don't get it, I don't want it and I still believe that religion is the cause of a great majority of wars. But I love the idea that people have a belief and that those people aren't lead by having to have the latest 3G phone or wearing this season's D&G pants.

I'd like to know why some people can't see beyond the teachings of their bibles and apply the good bits of it to modern day living.

Plumstead rebranded

Soho has been the centre of creative industries for some years. The big brains of branding have had offices here, as have the film and animation industries. Soho is cool. The name itself is cool. How could we ever forget Soho as a film location in 'Expresso Bongo'? Soho was 'the most'.

Chatting to Matthew, my creative guru. We thought about rebranding certain parts of South East London, I mean there are quite alot of creatives living in the vicinty. So in order to put the South East on the map, we've taken a view on acronyms.

The parish of Forest Hill will be branded as NOBU. That's North of Beckenham. If there were a university in Beckenham, that would be spot on. Thinking about it, what courses would Beckenham Uni have to offer? A great and varied prospectus comes to mind, however that's another blog entry for sure.

Plumsteadshire doesn't seem to come out so well in the wash of branded villages. South of Woolwich doesn't cut it - SOWO. South East of Woolwich - SEWER. How about West of Welling - WEWE?

Never liked the world of branding anyway.

International Day of Anger

The Mayor of London presents many events in Trafalgar Square to celebrate the multi cultures of our great city, but even the 'International Day of Anger' is beyond our Ken.

I've not seen these cartoons, but from hearing about them on the wireless, I've no doubt they are fiercely offensive. But to declare an international day of anger? Most, if not everyone in the World must have experienced being deeply offended at some time in their life, but to go to these extremes? I tell you what, this story makes me angry.

For all the persecution the Jews have faced since the year dot, all the racist hardship immigrants have faced since the 1950s and beyond, the playground insults which push some children to suicide, the glass ceiling for women in the workplace, the thousands of jokes made about Christian religion, the billions of times people say 'Oh God' in a blasphemous way etcetera.

Inadvertantly, I have joined the day of anger, caused by The Day of Anger. If we can create energy this same perpetual way, our planet would have a rosier future.

Plumsteadshire - home of the famous

Look-a-likes.

I saw a great one this week. A Woody Allen look-a-like got on the train at Plumsteadshire International. Oh yes, I can see a few fetes being opened by Woody's doppelganger.

What with Woody Allen and Jodie Kidd living in Plumsteadshire, maybe the new signage will get planning approval, along with blue plaques.

Chantelle wins Big Brother

I've been watching quite a bit of Celebrity Big Brother.

It's a strange thing. I don't know why I find it so fascinating. I can't quite justify it along the lines of sociological or psychological experiment as it's set in such a fake and calculatingly electric atmosphere.

What the hell, I've had these discussions with friends who refuse to get off their high horses. More the case of 'how dare they police what I want to watch'.

Rant out of the way, I am really pleased that Chantelle has won. It's great that 'niceness' has won out over bitchy nastiness. Chantelle might not be the brightest stars in the sky, but being 'down to earth' and honest has paid off. Pete the Freak also claims that he was just being honest, but how screwed up is he that whenever he opens his fat mouth he can only spit bile? Two different takes on being honest.

Well done Chantelle. You might not want to change, but you're going to have to fight pretty hard to escape the clammy hands of the gutter press.

Windoze

Having been bamboozled by techno babble, I thought I'd be very fair and accept that PCs are possibly better than Macs. It's a fair cop.
However
This week, working at a company with rooms full of Windoze machines, I had to work on a D*ll machine. Ooh, how lucky am I? I faced daily application crashes and stuttering whilst typing in M****soft W**d.
Ah well, so I was put on another machine. H****** P****** Much better. Crash free, but Out*** E****** only delivers some of my mail (seemingly not unlike Consignia or whatever they're called).
Sorry Mr Gates, my allegiance still lies firmly with Mr Jobs.

And tonight Matthew, I'm gonna be....

The one solitary thing I like about The Stage, the periodical to the acting profession, is the section in the back of the paper. No, not the sports pages.... well, these people can be called good sports in one [warped] sense, no, the back pages are full of LOOK-A-LIKES.

Thank God the pictures are thumbnail sized images and have names of their supposed famous doppelgangers, otherwise I'd be struggling. Photographs of ordinary folk who think they might have a vague resemblance to Tommy, the bloke from TV gardening make-over programmes or any female with long hair and no bra as the woman from TV gardening make-over programmes. My personal favourite (maybe because she's a well known looky-likey), is Jeanette Charles, HRH The Queen, see here in the hit Hollywood comedy, 'The Naked Lunch', I mean, 'The Naked Gun'.

Messing about on the internet, I came across an image of superb quality. One which sums up my love of the World of look-a-likes. Doppelgangers du Monde. [I know I'm mixing languages, but in Plumsteadshire, that's allowed]. Check this fella out.



















Now that's magic.

Actually, on the train in to Charing Cross this morning, I saw a lady who looked like a celeb. To be truthful, only her lips looked like a celeb's lips.

Leslie Ash.

Need I say more?

Why? Oh why? Oh why do people do it? Fish lips du Monde. Poisson bouche du jour. There are times when I wish I wore a bow-tie only so that I could have one of those 1960s spy film cameras secreted within. I'll have to try and catch the same train next week.

Superstitious? Moi?

If you're fearing leaving the house today, what are you going to be like on 6th June?

Bad news is good news

I think I've found out how to increase hits on my blog.

Look out for subjects that divide nations (Mac v PC), and create debate over local issues (the future of Woolwich).

So what shall we tackle today?

1. Illegal immigrants?
2. Gay marriage?
3. Why the continual rise of teenage pregnancies?
4. Is the War on Iraq justified?
5. What is the point of Bob Crow?
6. Should motorbikes be allowed in bus lanes?
7. What will happen to call centres after they've moved to the country with the cheapest labour in the World? Where next?
8. Why work for a living when you can sponge off the state?
   
9. Shooting squads for ASBOs?

I still prefer to delve into more important questions like

1. Who made the first rubber band ball and why?
2. Is black a real colour?
3. Why does Ruth Kelly have such a deep voice?
   
4. How old is Mae West?

It's been great receiving loads of comments from PC fans abusing us Mac users. As they're informed and considered responses, I don't mind. More the merrier.

Writing a blog is a very odd thing. With these comments flying into my mailbox, I've felt like Jon Gaunt when he had his show on BBC Radio London 94.9fm (not that I'm addicted to the station or anything). However, I found it particularly interesting how some people got prickly about the library story. I mean, that's not even a controversial subject.

Books for the masses

There could be a new library for Woolwich?
If it's not just rumour, this will be a good thing.

I've worried about the demise of The Library for years. You just don't know how well they are used. When I lived in the district of Lewishamshire, I used to make use of the Open Learning Centre, a cheap way to boost my basic computing skills.

I must admit that I love libraries, but can't stand reading, so I'm my own worst enemy. Libraries have recognised people like me and spread their net by introducing CDs, DVDs, internet access and probably start selling sacks of potatoes by the front door. Even though I've not taken a book out of the library since library membership cards were pieces of card folded into a small pocket, I use libraries alot. Borrowing CDs is a great way of trying out new flavas (I think that's yoof talk). Of course, I could flick through iTunes Music Store instead.

Well, if Woolwich does get a new library, I hope it's a proper library, a proper building for learning and reading, not just an uninspiring room with a 'community centre' next door and a 'family creche'. Screaming kids and 'SILENCE' just don't go together.

When Peckham Library opened, I went to visit straight away. Being a bit of a literary heathen, yet again, I didn't go for the books, I went for the architecture. The building is fantastic. I'm a big fan of modern architecture and this looked great. A bold statement for London architecture and helped put another much maligned and forgotten part of our city on the architectural map. My only thought was that I wished there were more books. Minor detail or does it just reflect the changing role of the library?

If the Thames Gateway project happens, Woolwich has to play a big part in it. It's all very well reporting bold headlines in the local press about a potential development of the largest shopping centre in Europe, or whatever it's meant to be, but if it's cheap and tacky architecture, it'll be Europe's largest crap shopping centre.

I've very little trust in town planners, I mean, just look at the tens of thousands of acres of dull, uninspired new housing estates. Did I hear someone say "Thamesmead"? It'd be a good thing to get involved now to get our voices heard and try to get quality rather than quantity into Woolwich & The Thames Gateway. Largest shopping centre in Europe? Big doesn't equal good.

God Almighty

Thanks yet again to Philhuk for more useful advice. This sounds more feasible than my first idea, that of reading up on Darwinian Theory and proving them wrong.

Talking of DT, this is nothing to do with it, but worth a look.

Macs v PCs - whatever

Thanks to philhuk for putting me straight on the Mac v PC debate. I bow to your knowledge. Knowledge is a great thing to have and a greater thing to share. However, the techy talk is complete gobledigook to me and means nothing; I'm sure it makes complete sense to other IT bods and proves that Macs are an inferior product.

I know what I know and I know what I like.

It's the same if a car mechanic tells me about the workings of an engine. I want it to do its' job and to do it very well, I don't want to know how it does it.

Recently, I had a situation when a roofer came to quote on a job. He spoke with alot of knowledge and threw in alot of technical jargon to blind me with science. Unfortunately for him, architecture is something I know about. Of course, it would be silly of me to let on; that would spoil my fun.

What I must do though, is to read up on how to deal with Jehovah's Witnesses.

Macs versus PCs

That old question crops up now and again. It's a bit like
- vegetarian or carnivore?
- are women better than men? (I really don't want to open up that can of worms)
- how old's Mae West? (classic line from Hitchcock's 'The 39 Steps')

It's right that Macs cost more, but then quality comes at a price.

I've owned Macs for 8 years and have had 2 viruses in that whole lifetime, both in Microsoft documents. I used a 2.5Ghz Dell at work and it ran SLOWER than my old 533Mhz Mac at home. I've seen inside another PC whilst the IT bloke opened it up at work and it looked a complete mess. My friend had a brand new PC for under half a year and the motherboard sizzled out.

It obviously sounds like I'm PC bashing, but I can only go by my own experience. I'm sure a good PC is great, but an over-priced Mac is superb.

Apple Mac

I feel particularly proud of myself.

Computers and cars and bikes are one and the same to me; I know what I like, I want it to look good, I want it to work well, but I don't really want to know what goes on behind the scenes.

Today, I bought an internal DVD drive for my G4. I've opened it up once before and that was to install RAM. I found out how to remove the old drive and installed the new one.

Piece of cake.

Any IT geek will do this blindfolded, but I don't profess to being a geek.
I'm proud of myself, but it's only made easy by the uber geeks in Cupertino, the Apple Mac designers, who create machines as clutter-free on the inside as they are on the outside.

Having just sung the praises of the Mac, I've just found out that Jonathan Ive, the British fella who designs for Apple, has been made a CBE. Quite right too.

Woolwich gets posh coffee

In reply to Raffles' comment.
The Costa is next to the new Benjy sandwich shop. Yes, a new sandwich shop too. Where will this gentrification end? How long until John Lewis move in? When will Fortnum & Mason put out a press release for a 'Fortnum's Local'?
Anyway, back on planet Earth. If you don't know where the Benjy shop is, it's opposite the Nat West on the main pedestrianised street. You'll know where I mean because that's where those scallywags sell illegal DVDs.

Woolwich gets coffee

I'm sure the appearance of coffee shops is one barometer of an area's growth. That and the 'Pizza Express' stamp of approval.

We haven't got the latter, but whilst dodging underage mothers in Woolwich Town Centre yesterday, I noticed that Costa Coffee is coming to town. Not being a coffee drinker, I don't know whether Costa is in the same league as the big daddy, Starbucks, but it's a High Street brand and products aren't limited to one pound.
So that's a thing.

Good way to start the year eh?

3 days to go

Not long now and just for good luck, here's a picture of a completely OTT house. Thankfully, this is in America, so it's not bringing down half of our National Grid. However, I'm sure certain members of Wellingshire are contributing in their own way.

I've been working at a right 'sweat shop' of a company recently so I am wound right up. The Christmas break should provide for a few days of relief, but you never know. I mean, Christmas is actually meant to be pretty stressful in itself. Important decisions have to be made as to whether you should watch the annual token showing of opera or a rerun of a Bond film? Or tape the opera and watch Live And Let Die on the other side. But having taped Die Zauberflote, will you ever watch it? Probably not.

Well, Christmas aside, I'm most pleased that today/yesterday is/was Winter Solstice. So days are going to start getting longer again. Woopee. I've managed another year without S.A.D. kicking in.

Praise good behaviour

Praise good behaviour and ignore bad behaviour. That's what they say about bringing up children. The same could be applied to shops, but I'd prefer to name and shame. Well why beat around the bush.
Luckily for me, I don't own a pet, so that means I have no reason whatsoever to visit Pets & The City in Greenwich. Stand out in the cold? You are having a bubble.
Anyway. I'll now travel to the opposite end of the spectrum and give praise.
Hallelujah!!
I had to get my bike helmet fixed and discovered that Aye Gee of Wellingshire have a Shoei doctor on the premises. The good doctor fixed my helmet, gave it a check over and it's as good as new. It only cost a few pounds and that's a true bargain for something that can save my life.
Remember kids. Always wear a lid.
Well, the staff at Aye Gee were very pleasant and not at all condescending. I can find bike shops a little daunting at times; it's a fear of being drawn in to a conversation about carbs or rebound adjustment.
Yeh whatever.
I want the thing to go when I twist and stop when I pull.
End of.

10 days to go

Shopping part deux

Thanks to Kat for mentioning Hawkin's Bazaar (no, not the heavy metal band). I've been aware of this company for a few years. They sell a veritable feast of toys from yesteryear and I thought they were mail order only but no, they have a ye olde shoppe in Lakeside. Since the opening of Bluewater, I've been to Lakeside twice. Well if ever there were a reason to return, this must be it. I've just looked at their site and it looks like they've gone modern. I'm sure they used to specialise in things like tin toys and simple puzzles.








Here's one. It's the catch-a-ball-in-the-cup game. Watch your little Charlie play with it for hours on Christmas Day.
"Oh daddy, do switch the dreary X-Box 360 off and help me master this game of wooden historical importance."
See. Hours of fun for everyone from 8 to 80.

Seriously though, wouldn't it be good to simplify life? It'll never happen, that Pandora's box has been opened. Well, except for those who appear in Channel 4 programmes about leaving their jobs in the City to live the Good Life, in Plumsteadshire of course.

Greenwich shopping

I like Greenwich.

Today, we went to the centre of the universe with Marc and Rachel, our posh friends; I never knew baby clothes were such a big deal here. I saw 2 stalls and a whole shop dedicated to baby clothes. I couldn't believe it. Now I know this great country has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the whole of Europe and the boom in baby attire is testament to this, but honestly, do we really need so many bibs in such a small shopping area?

Moving up the age range, I've noticed that we have an old fashioned sweet shop in da hood. I think it's new as I've not seen it before. A bit of the famous Hope & Greenwood treatment for us. It was great asking for a quarter of Lemon Bon Bons, a phrase I've not used for 25 years. However, I think I paid about 35p back then.

Inflation is a pain in the butt.

One shop which I will never visit again is a certain pet shop - no names mentioned. The four of us were about to walk in when a shop assistant told us to wait outside. It's not a small shop and there must've been about 6 people inside, no more. There was plenty of room (to swing a cat), and we had to stand on the pavement. I'm no retail guru, but treating potential customers like this is not good business strategy. By the way, it's called Pets & The City.

Shrewsbury Park

The good people of Shrewsbury Park might not like it but the new sign next to Plumcroft School works quite well I think.
Well, Plumsteadshire is turning into the new Pinewood so we've got to get this place on the map.

Twin town (part deux)

Yes, film crews have been flocking to Woolwich. Well, the Slade library was taken over for a few days earlier in the year and Woolwich Town Centre was used last weekend.
But you know what they say. 'Tall oaks from little acorns grow'.
So in this vein, here's my first Plumsteadshire twin town nomination.
HOLLYWOOD
In fact, I feel a bit of simple 3D modelling and Photoshop coming on. Maybe PLUMSTEADSHIRE lettering on the slopes of Shrewsbury Park. I'll do something over the weekend.
Nice.

The Coronet Cinema

I just had a look at some photos on The Plumstead Commoner's blog and saw a photo of the old Coronet Cinema (down by the Woolwich Ferry roundabout, where cars park at fantastically dangerous places on a Sunday and open their doors just when you pass by on a motorbike. Religion and common sense don't neccessarily go together).
I'm not originally from around these parts so I've never known the building as a working cinema, which is a great shame. I've been told it was a beauty in its' time though. Egyptian Deco I think.
Nice.
Well I shudder to think what the New Wine Church has done to the interior. If the building is as spectacular as I've heard, then I just hope the whole thing's been listed. When I said there are some tasty buildings in much-maligned Woolwich, I wasn't kidding.

The new Japanese knot weed

You horticultural types think you've got a problem with Japanese knot weed.
You can't weed it out.
Your systemic injections don't have any effect.
Flame thrower? Watch the fence mum.
You just can't kill it.
Not even with Cillit Bang!
















Well, those illegally sold cars are the new scourge.
Bang! And the dirt is gone.
If only.

The future of Woolwich

You may mock, but I can imagine Pizza Express in Woolwich, maybe in the Arsenal development. I do think that Woolwich has many prospects. The DLR did alot for the Lewisham housing market and that 'new money' brings alot of new energy with it as well as a new dynamic to the whole community.

Woolwich has a good down-to-earth scale about it. There's a centre to it. The square where the winos hang out. The fountain with the most unnatural looking green tint to the water, but it's a green space and it's the heart to the town centre. Where's the centre to Lewisham? We've already got a good start.

I hate pedestrianised High Streets as they are usually deserted outside of shopping hours. Admittedly, I don't frequent Woolwich on a night, but there are a couple of town centre buildings being refurbished into dwellings. This is a great thing. By the very fact of people living in the centre, the pedestrianised road is actually used, not just by shoppers in the day but by residents in the evening.

Whether the burghers of Woolwich can lure the multinationals to open stores in Woolwich is one thing. Whether Woolwich should turn into another faceless shopping precinct with the same old shops is another. I read that Tesco might come to Woolwich. On one hand, that's great, but on the other, we've already got Sainsbury. Having a huge Tesco will inevitably mean a large car park somewhere.

I like Woolwich because it's of a human scale. Taking a train to and from Woolwich Arsenal is so simple and lands you in the centre of the town. Lewisham is too imposing. The train station is cut-off from the shops, the Lewisham Centre building is hulking and superbly ugly, the only sense of human scale and personality is the Italianate church. I hope the proposed redevelopment will address this.

Most people will never look at the buildings in places like Woolwich. They get in and get out. Don't blame them, but we've got some tasty architecture here. I feel a bit of photography coming on to prove it.

Now, back to Pizza Express. Plumstead Common is a prime area for some tasty nosh. Get a map and look at the commons around London. The majority of them have either been posh since dinosaurs dined there or they've been gentrified already. As sure as day follows night, it will happen to Plumsteadshire.

Bike Repairs

Bike repairs. Well I always go to Garozzo in Blackfen; they've never let me down. However, I'm no grease monkey. Still, they are always nice and helpful.
Logistically, Garozzo is great because I leave the bike with them and can take the 51 bus straight back to dear old Plumsteadshire. I haven't got a clue whether they are cheap or not though. Also, Garozzo are Yamaha & Piaggio dealers.

I feel a modern day parable coming on.

Once, I had a flat tyre. I got the bike to Aye Gee in Welling and a chap there was super helpful, he was full of advice and knowledge and willing to share. Anyway, they couldn't do anything for me at Aye Gee, but proceeded to load my bike onto a vehicule transporting lorry and took me to Watling Tyres in Catford. Dear old Mr Aye Gee could've left me stranded, but instead demonstrated that people can still be kind and why (in Plumsteadshire), things are all for the best in this best of all possible worlds. A bit like that Samaritan bloke in the Bible.

Plumsteadshire replies

Man alive. I've had a sudden deluge of comments from readers of Plumsteadshire - It's all for the best in this best of all possible worlds etc etc....

As I'm not up to speed with blog commenting protocol, I'm going to post my comments here rather than try to find the relevant post and comment there. Hopefully that way, it's easy for readers to follow up on their original questions.

• Yes, I'd noticed the new/old cinema in Greewich Village. I've had a drink there and very much like the programme of independant and foreign films. I think that'll be the cinema for the more discerning movie goer. I'll have to say that I was initially put off by the price but now that Filmflops has raised its' price, there's little to persuade me to stay with the gasometer.

1. Being a modern day Londoner, I like a rant. So here I go about Flipflops. Chavvy kids running around outside Nandos-I-Ain't-Never-Heard-Of-Bird-Flu-A-Go-Go pulling off all the bollard covers and trying to hit each other; innocent film goers being caught up in the crossfire. My advice to the kids is to use the metal bollards themselves. Straight across the back of the neck. A few less soap dodgers is not a bad thing.
2. Now, what is it about the row of nice glass doors? I've never got to grips with having all these doors but only unlocking 2 pairs? It's a bit like a supermarket, or B&Q. Why have 18 tills if you only ever have 8 open at any one time? Especially when queues are forming. On a Sunday afternoon.
3. And Co Op. Now don't get me started on the wonderful queue management philosophy adopted by Co Op.
4. Back to Filmworks. I felt really pleased with myself when I used Orange Wednesdays for the first time ever. I'd saved £7 to (unknowingly) put myself through the most God aweful film since Ishtar. Save yourself. DO NOT SEE THE BROTHERS GRIMM. Anyway, having bought tickets, I bought 2 cups of tea and a sandwich. Bad mistake and we all know it. The price of refreshments in these places is extortion almost beyond the proportions of Halloween Night. How do I manage not to learn? Sneak my own refreshments in. If I have to drink Pepsi or Coke, I don't really need a bucket of the stuff.

• I could go on but won't. Well, I'll be interested to see if the planned cinema for Woolwich Royal Arsenal goes ahead.

Christmas turkey

I've had my first piece of turkey this evening. Can't say it was particularly appealing though. In fact, it has left a sour taste in my mouth.
Went to Filmworks to see The Brothers Grimm. If ever there were a film that lived up to its' title then this is it. Ten minutes in and I should've walked out. Complete lack of direction and an exercise in why you shouldn't cram as many regional accents in one film. Even the special effects weren't up to scratch. Oh, the list goes on. What a waste of 2 hours.
Bernard Matthews come back.
Mr Gilliam. Get yer coat.

On the other hand, Harry Potter is everything I hoped for. Now this was a masterclass of film making. Story, script, acting, design, fx, sound, the lot. If I can dodge past the scuzzy oiks tearing up the Filmworks forecourt and the endless queue outside B&Q (queueing for Nandos), then I'll have to see the Pottmeister again. Bring it on.

(almost) nice view of Plumsteadshire

I thought I was hardened to the cold.
Mais non.
The fantastic chill in the morning is too much to handle. I am a wimp.
It's times like this when I realise whoever/whatever invented hibernation had incredible foresight. Unfortunately, not quite enough foresight to foresee the inflexibility of the working week.

work slave : Sir, may I have three months off around the Winter Celebration period?
line manager : [silence]
work slave : [exit stage left, whilst thinking 'whatever']

The plus side of this chilly atmosphere and I'm not referring to The Addicks' opinion on Manchester Utd, is that Plumstead Common looks absolutely beezer. Crisp low morning sunlight, perfect for dazzling drivers right in the minces as they head towards Welling. The Common has a gentle dusting of frost, apart from where the dodgy cars hang out in no man's land. I almost feel compelled to take a dolly mixture tomorrow.
With this cold snap, I couldn't Adam n Eve it. Macoma Road had been gritted. Stone the crows, the council have done something. Not only that, but they'd stickered the illegally sold cars along Plumstead Common Road too. Hoo bloody ray. But no sooner have the rolling death traps been stickered, the dodgy pikeys have crawled out of the gutters and swapped them with other cars. This is the recurring pattern. As sure as day follows night, the pikeys swap cars as soon as they sniff out the council car stickerer. Get with the programme Greenwich, some of us actually pay your council tax. Why not do something for us? These dodgy pikey cars and the dodgy pikey dealers wouldn't know what tax is if it hit them in the face.

The answer's simple. Zero tolerance. Forget stickers. Pick the things up, take them to a breaker's yard and squash the damn things down to a cube of scrap metal.

Job done.

Dragon's Den

No, nothing to do with mother-in-laws. I mean, I wouldn't allow such down-right degrading filthy comments to be made in Plumsteadshire.
Never.
I'm talking about my favourite tv programme, Dragon's Den which is back on our screens. Dare I say it, but even the England game on Saturday didn't have as much drama as watching the entrepreneurs being eaten alive by the dragons. How can this geeky programme be edge-of-the-seat watchable? How can it be so captivating when it's not even live?
Dunno. It just is.

Evan Davis is a geek god. Maybe a demi-god because the king of geek chic can only be our bushman, Ray Mears.
Thinking about it, it's odd that two of my favourite programmes live in such diametric worlds from one another.
I love the whackier Heath Robinson inventions on the show. The roller skates for knees was an interesting idea. Pass me the strait-jacket. Maybe Ken Livingstone can implement these into the TFL 10 year plan.

Nice bike

Wowzer.
Now this is a thing of beauty. The Yamaha R1 SP. You can keep your MV Agustas and the other fancy Euro pop pops, I'll have one of these. Trouble is though it probably won't last ten minutes parked on the road in London.
Dream on.

Argie Bargie

I'm no football fan i.e. support a club, but I do like to watch a good game. England v Argentina was a must-see by any standards. Now, I don't want to sound like a football pundit, but at the end of the day, it's a game of two halves and the boys did good.
Due to matters beyond my control, I had to miss the second half and it was only after the game, me ol' mate Arun phoned me and filled me in on all the details that I'd missed. Now, this is what puzzles me. If I can easily avoid the whole football season and not give two hoots about the beautiful game, why is it that I am STILL so gutted about missing half of this game? Also, if I don't care about league football, why is it that I have a strong dislike of Man Utd and Chelsea?

Argie Bhaji

Get your hair cut!!!!

Firefox

I'm not one for standing still whilst the World passes me by. If I wanted this, I'd stand in a queue in Co Op. So onwards and upwards, which is why I have to recommend the Firefox browser. Internet Explorer has had a history of crashing and Safari is not so goody.
It works and it's not Microsoft.

Bush

I know it's an old photo but how could I resist?

The Ship

The building works at The Ship seem to be going on forever. What are they doing in there? Building stud walls with Lego? Get on with it people. I'm waiting for Pizza Express to open.

famous model in Plumstead Co Op

I don't usually look at my till receipts, but today just happened to notice that I was served by J Kidd. I kid you not. Next time you shop at our local inconvenience store, see if you too have had your fusili swiped by Jodie.

Plumstead Airport

The ink has barely dried on the scrawlings of potential twin towns for Plumsteadshire and I've already earmarked Thamesmead to be redeveloped as Plumstead Airport.
You see, Christmas (I mean Winter Celebration), is fast approaching and I need to think about my wish list. I started thinking boys toys, then thinking bigger, then started thinking out of the box. Blue sky thinking.
I thought that this'll do nicely.
As you can see, Belmarsh has been utilised to good effect. Maybe we could close a wing ot two, ship the residents out on a prison hulk (it's not a new idea), give the walls a lick of paint and there we have it. It'll be a boon for the 2012 Olympics.
An architectural competition should be arranged, or maybe just cut to the chase and invite Herzog & De Meuron?

Twin Town

Matthew, a chum of mine (not of this manor - he is Lord of Greater Dulwich Heights (formerly know as Forest Hill)), suggested a belter of an idea. It is everywhere, but we never think about it.
Twin Towns.
I love the idea of twin towns. Well, I love it but at the same time, don't know what it means.
So, Plumstead Common needs a twin town.
I'll think on it and will take suggestions too.
Answers on a postcard etc....

Merry Christmas everybody!!!!!

Merry Winter everybody!!!!
Doesn't have the same ring does it? Ooops. Can't say 'ring'.
Ring = bells
Bells = Christmas
Christmas = Racist Britain

The lilly-livered politically correct loons are well and truly ruling the asylum. When will this absurd cancer ever stop?

Oh damn. Can't mention liver. That might just offend vegans.

Let's just hope that Greenwich Council don't fall down this same slippery slope that Lambethshire has.

Google maps

The internet is a great thing. Some might say that it's so great, it's bad. I don't.
One of my favourite sites is Google maps. [I don't work for them - ed.]
I like a good map, and being a fully paid-up member of the Apple Mac fraternity, I can't use the Google Earth programme yet.
Sort it out people.

Halloween survival guide

Phew. Managed to survive the onslaught of young extortion racketeers last night. I had adopted a cunning tactic.

Option 1 - Play them at their own game.
Remove lampshade from pendant light fitting in hallway.
Knock knock.
Put on bad wig and secondhand dressing gown (available from all good charity shops). Set the lightbulb swinging. Pull open the front door very quickly and raise right arm holding a piece of cardboard fashioned in the shape of a carving knife.
Then watch with glee as the little tikes run for the pavement, begging forgiveness for all their sins.

Option 2 - Pretend it's 1977, we'd enjoyed our Silver Jubilee street parties in the Summer and even though punks were being punks children were once children.
Knock Knock.
"Trick or treat?"
"Oh hello children. Have a bag of Lemon Bon Bons and share them with your brethren."
"Oh thank you very much. Happy Halloween."

Option 3 - Pretend you're not in even though the lights are on.
Now, I know this is the preferred option for most but being Plumsteadshire where all's the best in this best of all possible worlds, I let my partner answer the door whilst I hide in the dining room.

With the Festival of Legalised Extortion out of the way, we've now got the Festival of Legalised Street Explosions, a celebration of suburban terrorism with added bang. Don't we all love it.